Jar of Skips – Innovative Skips Jarr idea

 

You are bidding on the product shown: A Skips™ Jarr, complete with Lateral Interface Device (LID) and a real-time 360^o contents verification screen in full colour, containing the same number of skips as a normal packet. 

This innovative system has recently been developed to counteract some of the major problems of the average Skips™ user.  According to an unauthenticated source, almost 30% of Europeans admit to not buying skips at some point due to one or more of the following reasons:

 

Noisy packet

This is guaranteed to get the attention of those around, which will inevitably decrease your net intake of Skips™.  It may also initiate derogatory comments from colleagues relating to your 'snacking' habits.  With the Jarr, transit and opening are silent, and it is even possible to disguise the contents by using a wrap-around cover with such designs as 'Almonds in prune-juice', or 'Slimmers salad' (sold separately at participating dealers – try a supermarket). 

 

Fragile design

By its very nature a flexible foil packet will not withstand normal shocks such as being carried loose in pockets or bags, and in some countries the excuse 'my skips burst in my briefcase during the flight' has become proverbial.  This problem of pressure has been directly addressed in the unique* design of the Skips™ Jarr.  Due to its rigid construction from the highest quality materials, this jar should remain undeformed even under aircraft luggage compartment conditions**.  Should you wish to bring the pressure of the jar to current atmospheric pressure, a quarter turn on the Lateral Interface Device (LID) in an anticlockwise direction will initiate the equalizer sequence.  This uses real-time interrogation of both interior and exterior pressures, including humidity and temperature, to completely re-align all essential air parameters on either side of the interface.  When complete (usually less than 0.5s), the LID may be resealed by a quarter turn in the opposite direction***.  The Jarr will remain intact in the toughest of situations****. 

 

Non-aerodynamic

Packets tend to be lightweight, and although this may be seen as an advantage, it severely decreases air handling, and hence the phrase 'chuck us some Skips™' is greeted with ironic laughter in countries where the Skips™ Jarr has not yet been introduced.  The Skips™ Jarr has been designed with throwing in mind, and for the more squeamish the Jarr may be rolled along the floor between desks, and even under doors with a floor clearance of more than 3” (78.6mm).  Used as such, the Jarr will enable benefactor and recipient to enjoy the Skips™ without attracting unwanted attention from third parties.  No responsibility will be taken for damage to assailant or victim due to inappropriate use of the Jarr. 

 

Disposable

Thanks to the recent removal of bins from railway stations for security reasons, Skips™ packets are being left lying on the platforms.  The general public is at a loss.  We hear their cries – “Where can I put my Skips™ packet?” – ringing plaintively around the cloisters of the modern platforms.  My system comprises a user-friendly system of refilling, so Skips™ may be rapidly loaded into the payload area in the comfort of your own home.  The packet may then be disposed of appropriately, and the Jarr can be kept after use.  While the average life of a typical Skips™ packet is 1.63 days, the revolutionary Jarr will survive rough handling for approximately 312 years (by which time it will be an antique and you can sell it on e-bay).  Note: Jar should be washed and sterilized (boiling water) once in a while.  In the unlikely event that you succeed in damaging one or other of the components, just email me and I will offer my sincere condolences and give you some safety tips, such as 'Don't use it to carry Skips™ if there's broken GLASS in the bottom'.  I will also send you a link to your nearest Skips™ Jarr dealership or supermarket, where you can buy kits in a bewildering array of sizes, styles and disguises.  I cannot, I regret, extend my guarantees to any products which are not ordered direct from a certified Skips™ Jarr dealership.  All our products are personally tested in the most rigorous fashion – the manager personally checks the balance and handling of each new Jarr as it rolls off the assembly line. 

 

Suspicious

Sure, they say Skips™ on the front, but HOW DO YOU KNOW?  Nothing is more likely than that it has been broken into, changed for coffee beans rolled in marmite and icing sugar, and resealed.  With the Skips™ Jarr, however, contents is projected three-dimensionally and in real-time on the exterior surface of the main body, so you always know what will come out when you open the jar*****. 

 

Impersonal

The average business man, we are led to believe, spends approximately 1/7 of their life on Monday.  If this is to be believed, we estimate 4½ days are spent in arguments over packets of Skips™.  The phrase 'Hey, they're my Skips' is heard almost as often as 'Hello, I'm on the train'.  Here at the Skips™ Jarr Works we pride ourselves on including a blank sticker which can be attached at any point on the Jarr, and personalized in a variety of ways.  Unfortunately our engineers have not come up with a 'Sorry, that name is taken' program yet, so we will not be held responsible for accidental confusion if you come face to face with a fellow Jarr devotee.  We don't think this will happen very often, so you can spend more time chatting to the “Hello, I'm on the train” people…maybe spark off a relationship with “What a coincidence! I'm on the train, too!” 

 

Non-celebrity friendly

Being disposable, the current method of transporting and consuming Skips™ offers no scope for personal advertising.  The model you are bidding on has sample advertising in the form of an authentic Skips™ label on the LID, and four square inches of Skips™ paraphernalia superimposed on the real-time imaging device.  While these will not bring in any revenue, if you are sufficiently well-known you may replace these with labels from your sponsors.  The possibilities are endless.  You could even add one of those annoying strangled-bird birthday-card inserts (attached with adhesive tabs which, like the birthday-card insert, are not supplied) to discreetly press during a meeting.  The perfect diversion! 

 

The small print – Feel free to bid first, and then read this, but don't expect much sympathy from me if you've made a mistake…

*This product is only 'unique' in the sense that the said Jarr and the accompanying LID have not, to the best of my knowledge, ever been commercially available for use in the manner described above. 

**This product has not been tested on RyanAir to the best of our knowledge (we cannot vouch for the behaviour of our employees, sub-employees and their families, however).  Neither can any guarantee, real or otherwise, replace the sensible advice of the relevant authorities.  I am not a relevant authority, and do not intend to become one in the near future.  Being treated as relevant is always nice, however.  But I digress…

***Note: Due to unavoidable laws of physics, the equalization process may take a varying length of time, tending to increase with a larger difference in air pressure.  However, for most terrestrial conditions, the time period will be negligible. 

****For the purposes of this document, 'the toughest of situations' is defined as a force, lateral or otherwise, not exceeding 12g (117.72 m/s/s) acceleration or 1g (9.81 m/s/s) shock.  The shock is equivalent to dropping from a height of 1 metre onto a hard surface.  Due to the complexities of the material (dubbed by some as a Gaussian Laser Actuated Synthetic Substance) we cannot guarantee even this level of shock, as all atmospheric conditions differ.  All we can tell you is that it worked in a lab somewhere…once…we think.  The Lateral Interface Device has been designed from a combination of common materials, and due to its shape and density has a Freidhann value of less than 1 (estimates vary between 0.57 and 0.84).  The Freidhann value reflects the ratio of terminal velocity to deformation velocity.  A value less than 1 indicates that, in normal terrestrial conditions, the LID will never fall at a speed high enough to produce permanent deformation. 

*****There may, potentially, be times when you do not know what will come out.  For instance, you may unavoidably have covered the 360 degree screen.  In such cases, we shall not be held responsible for the potentially harmful effects, such as the spontaneous exit of poisonous reptiles, etc.  We strongly recommend that if you believe someone may have spiked your Jarr you uncover at least half of the solid state colour-vision real-time contents verification device and examine the contents before the removal of the independently programmed LID. 

These terms and conditions replace any and all previous publications unless specifically stated by me in any subsequent communication.  Serious bidders only please.  I do not go in for frivolity in business deals. 

 

Full instructions included with Jarr.  Postage to UK: £2

Thanks for looking. 

Any questions: tony.clohesy@pera.com